So so tired…
I am so tired. I know it’s been a long time since I posted, and a lot of that is because – frankly – there just wasn’t much going on in my life worth letting people know of. I’m not one of those types who thinks that every thought and bathroom visit is worth notifying the planet about. I just… we’ve all got lives.
Do I complain too much? It seems like I come here to gripe about my life more often than not. Sorry. Sometimes it helps lessen the load to have it thrown into the wind. Anyway…
Yeah, I’m tired. I’ve been working on my first novel, “Harbinger,” for what seems like forever, trying to get it just right. A few weeks ago I sent out dozens of agent query letters, and thus far I’ve gotten rejection after rejection after rejection. One of them was interested, so I sent them more material, but I’ve yet to hear back from them. Other than that one, though, it’s all been, “No, this doesn’t fit our needs, so move along.” I didn’t think that it would wear at me as much as it has, but with every one I get I feel a bit more buried.
I also learned tonight that my podcast didn’t get the nomination I was hoping for in this year’s Parsec Awards. We were up against stiff competition, but I still think that we were better than some of the ones that made it. Sadness. I put so much into that podcast, and sometimes I feel like no one but me really cares or notices. And I’m not just talking about the money, which itself is considerable. I’m also talking about time. I can’t even begin to think about how much time I spend getting interviews put together, getting the episodes edited, coming up with and researching topics, sending out emails, etc. I put hours of my life into the show each week, and there are moments when I wonder if it’s worth it.
And then there’s my job. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job. I’m thankful to have it. But, I also know that it isn’t what I feel in my heart that I should be doing. I should be writing full time, and knowing that I’m not saps that much more of my strength.
And then there’s stuff at home, stuff with my family, stuff that… you don’t want to hear about.
Anyway, I’m done for tonight. I am depressed more than I’ve been in years, I’m more tired than I can ever remember being, and all I want to do right now is cry.
Go kiss someone you love, people.
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